Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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