u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
