I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
