btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
