she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
