I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
