Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
