I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
