I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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