I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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