You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
