I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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