WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
