The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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