Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
