if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
and she was petting her beer can
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Randomize
