proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
