i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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