I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
