So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
