She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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