So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
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