Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
