If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
