last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
