I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
