nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
