then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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