Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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