Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
