I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
