when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
you're hired as official boob wrangler
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
