did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
