Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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