I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
