My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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