Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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