I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
