how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
