half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
