There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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