i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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