...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
