She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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