just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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