took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
