I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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