Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
