The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
