i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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