i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
