My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
