i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
